Once again, I think Pam needs to see this.

Hey Babe…

Remember when we had that fight back in September?  Remember how Sam went to your mothers for the weekend and we were supposed to spend three days together, go up to Santa Barbara, get romantic and be in love and all that? That was going to be nice.

Then remember how I got drunk on Thursday night with the guys and ended up in TJ for the weekend with the boys and when I got back, I tried to make it up to you by giving you a fistful of mandrax that I got south of the border?  You were mad, right?  But then remember how I wrote and recorded that song for you, because Zeidman and Kaye thought that you’d never take me back, but I knew how much you liked slow romantic jams and music videos, and I was right?

Well… I need to pull that card out of the deck again.  I’m REALLY sorry about not coming home all weekend.  Schuster said he met a girl on J-DATE and we had to go to Vegas, and Zeidman had some tips on the NBA playoffs, so we were kind of tied up gambling and our phones died…

But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you and I don’t want to be your husband and the best dad Sam could ever have… C’mon babe.  Just watch and listen to the song again… Maybe it will remind you why you love me.  Right?

See you tonight, but after happy hour I think.

Love ya,

Marc (with a “c”) Kaye

Windwinder – A Children’s Techno Opera by Dr. Z

If there’s one thing that kid’s don’t appreciate these days, it’s a good opera.  Well, I’ve taken it upon myself to put together a project that will mix opera with sugar.  In this case the sugar is made of a few things that kids these days can’t get enough of: Airbenders, techno and that owl movie.  This is the musical story of the Windwinder.  I’ve been working for days on this now, and I’ve already composed a beautiful ballad that will hopefully entice any children’s techno-opera producers or agents to help me get funding.  Enjoy the below track!

Dr. Mark Zeidman – Windwinder

Really Japan?

I have nothing against Japanese people. I love sushi. In fact, I even plan to go to Tokyo someday.  I find Japanese women to be very sexy (they seem to be more tan and less pan-faced than the Chinese)  But with all do respect…

ARE THEY ALL RETARDED OVER THERE???

A good buddy of mine from my high-stakes gambling days is living in Japan right now.  He sent me this pic (above) of the rinse cups his Japanese dentist uses.  Jesus Japan, is it that hard to write a simple phrase????  You can’t hire a person who speaks English to write the copy for your ‘American’-style cups????  This is why I will never buy a Toyota.  “Let’s Brushing?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? LET’S BRUSHING?????  I would rather kill myself with a water pick than drink out of a cup that says ‘LET’S BRUSHING!’  And then, ‘I am a toothbrush.’  I AM A TOOTHBRUSH???? ARE YOU PEOPLE BABIES?????  I MEAN COME ON OF COURSE IT’S A TOOTH BRUSH!!! Haven’t you people ever heard of SHOW DON’T TELL???? Oh and nice flaccid expression on that gay-wad brush.  That thing has about as much emotion as Japanese people.

Again, I have mad respect for the amazing, incredible Asian cultures, I just wished they spent less time building cutting-edge robots and more time checking their grammar.

NEW PROMOTIONS @ MARK MARC MARK = DEALS!

We might be the only family dentistry practice in Los Angeles to give discounts for Twitter followers, Tumblr fanatics and fan club members, but we’re not going to let it go to our heads.

We’re going to continue to bring you more hip deals, more fun promotions and be the mORAL leaders in the community that you have come to know and love.  We’ll chew out anybody who doesn’t get the dad-GUM importance of brushing and flossing with MONDAY FUNDAYS, for example.  Or maybe you want to get 10% off your cleaning on TOOTHsday (Tuesday)… Yes, there are tons of things that we have for you.

Remember kids (and adults) at Mark Marc Mark, it’s teeth first… Smile second.

Tony Curtis Dies!

Too bad he didn’t leave his heart with lower cholesterol!

Tistory Tuesday

Like I used to tell Peg, you have to know where you’ve been to jive to where you’re going. Which is why, when we began dating, I provided her with a list of references.

That’s why I’ve started Tistory Tuesday – a multi-part series documenting the history of our noble profession, from Earth’s creation 6,000 years ago to today.

As any Hebrew School graduate knows (sorry to leave you out, Kaye,) dentists have held an important role in society throughout human history.  As a matter of fact, studies show that early Assyrians chose their leaders based on who had the best smiles.  It’s totz true!  In Ancient Egypt, before Pharoahs were said to be part god and part king, they were said to “have tith [teeth] that shown as brightly as the eye of Ra, and sharper than the crocodile’s cunning.”

But of all the important inventions that separate modern ToothJocks from our ancestors, there’s one that stands head and shoulders above the rest – or should I say, collar and sleeve? Of course, I’m referring to the labcoat.

The lab coat is a symbol of learning in Argentina, where it is worn by students.

Check out these mini-molars! It doesn’t take an x-ray to tell they’re in the no-cavity club!

But how did the labcoat catch on in America? Well, like all our best music, it really caught on in the 1960s.

Labcoats have always been a symbol of peace, love, and staying warm without resorting to such unprofessional attire as “hoodies.”  But lest we forget their most important purpose – sex appeal!

I’m normally a smile-man, but even I would go for the legs on her!  I wonder how she got so toned? I spend 45 minutes on the stair master twice a week and all I have to show for it is massive thighs that barely fit in my chinos.

But let’s look towards the future.  What’s next for the trusty labcoat? Stain-resistant sleeves?  Self-drying hem?  Being a member of the International Labcoat League (I.L.L.,) I’m privy to all kind of pilot programs, and have been beta testing one prototype that I’m particularly excited about, especially for the after-lunch appointments (garlic-breath has been known to shorten careers by years and, in extreme cases, lead to cataracts.)

I’m talking about the full-body DentaSuit 64.

If you’re as excited about the DentaSuit as I am, consider donating to the I.L.L.  Your tax deductible donation can help spread the I.L.L.ness by keeping us all healthy… and sylin‘. Grok it?

OFFICE MEMO: Wait… what if we really are your ordinary dentists?

None of this is funny. Let’s just fix teeth and go home and start all over tomorrow.

QUESTION CORNER: I heard Dr. Mark Zeidman has nightmares?

A new feature at Mark Marc Mark family dentistry! The Question Corner allows our patients to ask us questions and us to respond… VIRALLY!

This question came from Jackie Cruz, saying that she heard Dr. Zeidman talk about his “nightmares.” She wanted to get a little insight as to what his nightmares entail.

Take a gander and get some insight into the mornings of the men behind the practice. Because sometimes there’s more than just a tongue behind your smile. And sometimes people need to know that Dentists are people too.  Awesome people.

All I’m Saying Is: The Blacker the Whiter

Here’s a new segment called ‘All I’m Saying Is,” where I, Doc Z, breaks it down 4 realz str8 up, no bologna allowed. Will this sometimes offend you? Hell yeah. Will this sometimes be NSFW? Hell yeah. But if you want a dentist who holds his tongue, well than who’s holding yours, dawg? (I’M LOOKING AT YOU SCHUST-HER) Will I bring the house? Yeah. Will I make some noise? Yeah. Will I pander to wussaroonis? HAIL NO. So here it comes, my first edition of ‘All I’m Saying Is,’ coming at you HARD. Coming at you like a Pampalona Bull with horns like a motha:

SO…..ALL……I’M……SAYING…..IS:

Black is beautiful. Especially, for a dentist. Watching my Eagles today, my boy Mike Vick was smiling ALL DAY. And I was thinking ‘that man has some nice chompers.’ But…does he really? The darker the skin, the more it makes the pearly whites shine like Sigourney Weaver’s fridge in Ghostbusters.

Zuul up in your fridge, making yo' eggs dance.

I’m not trying to be racist towards white people,

ALL I’M SAYING IS….
black skin is a white tooth’s best friend.

AND….THAT’S….ALL….I’M….SAYING!

Peace and love,

Dr. Mark Z

QUICK TIP: Vacations with the Family!?

Vacations are a way to remind you of how nice work is.

QUICK TIP:  Don’t put off that vacation!  Get it out of the way!

Usually I enjoy the idea of a weekend. I like the idea of getting away from it all.  I like the concept of “the end of the week.” But every once in a while I lose the gumption. I lose my zest for going out with the boys.  Some weekends I just want to be not working and not partying (whatever that means) and I just want to be.

Those are the weekends I spend with my family. This weekend is one of those weekends.

After a weekend away with Pam and Sam off at some overpriced hotel doing nothing productive and spending every waking hour trying to make them happy, there is nothing more exciting than waking up on Monday morning and getting back to work.

Thanks to my family I can really appreciate the workweek. It’s because of them that I am inspired to be away from home for days and work on becoming a better dentist.